Someone said the hardest thing to do is watch someone you love, love someone else.
and i agree completely.
You remember the times when you were always the one getting all the attention, and when your little brother/sister came in the way, all the attention just diverted to them? Or even when you were the only niece/nephew--grandson/granddaughter and some baby just HAD to come along making you not the ONLY special one in the family? and you felt no longer loved? and somehow replaced?
yeah. the feeling is almost similar. only this one's a thousand times harder to live with. It almost feels like someone stabbing you right in the heart, and you just stand there letting them do it.
Honestly, I can totally speak from experience about the baby-out-of-nowhere-stealing-my-spotlight issue; i think everyone else can relate to that as well. but literally talking about relationships, and seeing someone you love, love someone else. I have heard about that from so many friends, and felt it in my heart. and thankfully i have never experienced excrutiating pain like this because its murder to the mind and if i had anymore in my head, it would probably burst.
So, i speak for you, ladies. Its so sick to see, and feels like your heart is about to fall out of your mouth. and you cant help but to wonder if "they" are happy together.
but the question is, how can you love someone who doesn't love you back?
how can you think about the person when the person doesnt think of you?
or the worst
how can you stay in love with someone who doesnt know that you are in love with him?
yes, you can. unfortunately. somehow. weirdly. unexplainably.
"it sorta just happens and the feeling doesn't go away..."
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
What she chased won't set her free
She threw away the soda can she had, and pulled out a metal shot bottle from her oversized balenciaga bag. She barely looked his way knowing his approval no longer matters. It was the first time they took a walk together since 2 years. He could see the pain in her eyes, somehow her eyes told him everything about her, like they did before. He missed her really bad, and he wanted to tell her how badly she meant to him but his words were stuck in his throat. She has changed so much. She unscrewed the cap and took a couple gulps before throwing it back into her bag. She swiftly turned her head in his direction, with her uneven wispy bangs covering half her sweaty face. The alcohol was really getting to her.
" I really missed you, you know" she said.
He felt it in his heart again. That feeling of old times. He missed her more that his heart could take. He missed her more than anything. but, he couldn't stand watching her fall apart right infront of his eyes. He wanted to be there for her. He couldn't believe it because just two years ago, she had saved him during his hardest times.
She had this carefree aura to her. Not the happy carefree one she used to have. This was slightly different. She was carefree in the most harmful way. She was slowly destroying her mind and body with the things she did. She suddenly seem frustrated while looking through her bag. She might have lost something, he thought. The wind was blowing a cool breeze in their direction. There was something so peaceful about the beach but his heart was still pounding from confusion and hurt. She grabbed her bag and shook it upside down until everything fell on the sand. There was a relieved look on her face as she kneeled down and picked up her lighter. After dumping all her belongings into her bag, she stood up and lit her cig. Turning to his direction again, she said " Want one?"
"No, i..i kinda dont do that anymore" he said, avoiding eye contact.
Her eyes widened before she looked away to release the smoke in the other direction.
"oh.. well things must have really changed around here huh?" she said while kicking the sand
"Ya.yeah alot did. infact, i go to church now. i stopped the drinking and smoking actually...after i met my girlfriend"
She dropped her half lit cig to the sand upon hearing those words come out of his mouth. It felt like her heart stopped beating and wouldn't start. She shot him the look, while trying to control her tears from welling up.
"im happy for you." she whispered
He saw the look in her eyes again. Her eyes told him the whole story. She was badly hurt. and he hated to be one of the reasons why she was. He wanted her to recover from her bad lifestyle. He wanted her to be happy more than anything.
She took a deep breath while letting everything sink in slowly. Reality was the most painful thing she's ever experienced. Her heart was crying so loud but she managed to keep a straight face on. Infact, she was excellent at hiding her emotions. and he was excellent at reading her emotions.
She needed another shot of alcohol to keep her sane. The thought of him being with someone else was unbearable. and no one would ever understand her because theres no one in the world like him. She just had to do one thing.
"hey. would you mind holding my hand?" she asked, hoping for a positive answer.
He took her hand and gripped it tightly. She shut her eyes and turned away. Her tears were flowing uncontrollably. Major thoughts and memories flashing back to her mind and her hands started to shake. She wished this would never end. She prayed this would never end. This was the first time she ever prayed for something since two years. She let go of his tight grip and wiped away her tears. Breathing hard and still feeling shaky, she managed to pull out her hairtie from her wrist and pull her bangs back to tie her hair up. She told him she had to go and started running up to the road. She didn't know where she was running to, but stopping wasn't an option.
She could hear his voice in the background, an echo of his voice calling out her name. It sounded unclear, maybe it was the alcohol messing with her head. She felt weak and sat on a bench by the road. The sky had already darkened and her vision was bailing out on her. She held her bag tightly to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut.
and just wondered.
wondered what would have happened if they had kissed.
" I really missed you, you know" she said.
He felt it in his heart again. That feeling of old times. He missed her more that his heart could take. He missed her more than anything. but, he couldn't stand watching her fall apart right infront of his eyes. He wanted to be there for her. He couldn't believe it because just two years ago, she had saved him during his hardest times.
She had this carefree aura to her. Not the happy carefree one she used to have. This was slightly different. She was carefree in the most harmful way. She was slowly destroying her mind and body with the things she did. She suddenly seem frustrated while looking through her bag. She might have lost something, he thought. The wind was blowing a cool breeze in their direction. There was something so peaceful about the beach but his heart was still pounding from confusion and hurt. She grabbed her bag and shook it upside down until everything fell on the sand. There was a relieved look on her face as she kneeled down and picked up her lighter. After dumping all her belongings into her bag, she stood up and lit her cig. Turning to his direction again, she said " Want one?"
"No, i..i kinda dont do that anymore" he said, avoiding eye contact.
Her eyes widened before she looked away to release the smoke in the other direction.
"oh.. well things must have really changed around here huh?" she said while kicking the sand
"Ya.yeah alot did. infact, i go to church now. i stopped the drinking and smoking actually...after i met my girlfriend"
She dropped her half lit cig to the sand upon hearing those words come out of his mouth. It felt like her heart stopped beating and wouldn't start. She shot him the look, while trying to control her tears from welling up.
"im happy for you." she whispered
He saw the look in her eyes again. Her eyes told him the whole story. She was badly hurt. and he hated to be one of the reasons why she was. He wanted her to recover from her bad lifestyle. He wanted her to be happy more than anything.
She took a deep breath while letting everything sink in slowly. Reality was the most painful thing she's ever experienced. Her heart was crying so loud but she managed to keep a straight face on. Infact, she was excellent at hiding her emotions. and he was excellent at reading her emotions.
She needed another shot of alcohol to keep her sane. The thought of him being with someone else was unbearable. and no one would ever understand her because theres no one in the world like him. She just had to do one thing.
"hey. would you mind holding my hand?" she asked, hoping for a positive answer.
He took her hand and gripped it tightly. She shut her eyes and turned away. Her tears were flowing uncontrollably. Major thoughts and memories flashing back to her mind and her hands started to shake. She wished this would never end. She prayed this would never end. This was the first time she ever prayed for something since two years. She let go of his tight grip and wiped away her tears. Breathing hard and still feeling shaky, she managed to pull out her hairtie from her wrist and pull her bangs back to tie her hair up. She told him she had to go and started running up to the road. She didn't know where she was running to, but stopping wasn't an option.
She could hear his voice in the background, an echo of his voice calling out her name. It sounded unclear, maybe it was the alcohol messing with her head. She felt weak and sat on a bench by the road. The sky had already darkened and her vision was bailing out on her. She held her bag tightly to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut.
and just wondered.
wondered what would have happened if they had kissed.
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